Today I feel in need of grace.

I'm sitting on a comfy couch feeling the warmth of the sun on my face as it streams through the window.  There is just something about the heat of the sun that makes life easier for me.  It is a tonic that seems to bring all of the good into my mind's eye and helps me to release whatever needs gone.

I like to close my eyes and face directly into it, everything in my inner vision turning an orange glow.  Inhale.  Exhale.  Scan the body.  Inhale, relax the face.  Exhale, let tension flow out on the breath.  After a few rounds of this it is remarkable how at ease the body becomes. 

Learning to recognize tension or resistance is the first step toward releasing it.  Resistance shows up in lots of ways ~ tight muscles, occupied mind, a rib cage that feels congested, a general feeling of holding on.  All of these are indicators that Prana is not flowing freely.  When prana doesn't flow we get stuck in patterns that do not serve our highest good.  This is part of the reason that yoga is so freeing to the mind ~ it moves the energy around, we scan the body, increasing our awareness while enjoying deep expansive inhales and exhales.

Cosmically, much is happening in our Universe.  As above, so below.  Whether we acknowledge it, there is drama playing out in the energies that surround us.  Daily, people are waking up with revelations and questions about how they have been living their lives. No doubt this is a process that takes time and practice to learn to navigate.  The more we can learn to purposefully release, the gentler this ride will be. 

Alchemy

If you're paying attention, anyone can recognize the difference between doing something because you feel you have to (for whatever reason ~ financial, personal obligation, etc) and doing something you deeply desire to do and doing it with an open heart.

I've had a series of small epiphanies lately.  Just tiny ones.  Little blips that I feel in my chest but can't quite find the words for, or if I do they seem wanting in their ability to convey this new heart knowledge.  Just a few minutes ago my friend, Karen (who, btw, is worthy of a follow) wrote this as her status update:

The sacred Truth within me honors the divine privilege of what Is, what was and what will Be.

Initially, I read this as the 'scared' truth rather than the sacred.  And then I smiled because aren't most sacred things a little scary, at least in the beginning?  Especially when they involved us living out our truth or searching for what we think is truth?  Perhaps this is the alchemy of the heart, to take the scary things, the monsters under the bed, the opportunities life brings our way, the people who are converging and diverging along our path, the change that is life's growing and dying and unfolding,  and allow all of these things to be sacred.

I want the challenge and the joy of my life, to be in a space of sacred respect for all it's glorious aspects.  My heart knows what it feels like to be open.  When I get too much into the vibration of scared, then the opening comes with a quiver, reminding me to come to a standstill while I let the door swing all the way open.  Even tiny blips echo across the valley, being heard and felt with transformative power.

<3  Angela

Alien.

It is good to remind myself that I am not really human.  I look human and I do a lot of pretending to be so but the truth that simmers just below this facade of blood and bone wrapped up in a coating of skin, is a soul.  And this soul is eternal.  This soul is well versed in lifetimes, not just here but here, there and everywhere.  I don't know where it began or if it will ever end.  But for the time being, here I am.  Planet earth.  A 40 something white woman with a lot of questions about the Universe who tries her best to remember that this is temporary.  This is a journey, a play on a very convincing stage.  But a play, non-the-less.

Which on this night, has led me here...

Aparigraha & Santosha. A Love Your Life Story.

Found this gem on Pinterest!  For a while now, I have been half-ing things.  It is very cathartic and one quickly learns there is so very little that we actually need.  I've gone one step further with this mantra and broken it into step.

1.  Stop buying anything that isn't necessary.  If you have it, use it!  Enjoy it!  Celebrate it!  When something is necessary (and you get to choose whatever justification you want for considering it so, no explanation needed) buy or make exactly what you want.  Don't cheap out.

2.  Toss half your stuff.  You don't have to be extreme here.  Start by getting rid of things that are garbage.  If something makes you feel good, keep it.  If things are bound by past experiences that no longer serve you, let them go.  Perhaps it can become another man's treasure.

3.  Learn contentedness.  Just make the choice to be content.  Gratitude helps with this immensely.  Make peace with the present moment.

4. Reduce half again.  Over the last couple of years I have spent time living at the Satchidananda Ashram in Virginia.  While there, I slept in a single bed, had one dresser and a third of the closet space.  It felt so freeing to live like that!  Then and there I began to recognize how stuff weighs us down and keeps us from moving on in our lives.  So whether or not you want to invite new experiences or just create more breathing space, keep what you love, keep what you deem to matter and let someone else enjoy the rest.

5.  List 4 essential things in your life, DO THESE FIRST.  STOP DOING THE NON-ESSENTIAL! This really struck a chord with me.  How often has the day gone by and I never got to the things that truly matter to my well-being and happiness!   I made a list and deemed these to be the most essential:  Asanas, Pranayama, Meditation and Water.   Interesting that apart from a mat and a cup, these take up no space!  How would I feel in 30 days from now if I infused my body with these 4 things?

6.  Clear distractions.  Hmm, this I will continue to ponder.  Can there be a fine line between what society is convincing me is essential but is really a distraction?  Have I become addicted to doing when I should be being?  What about the clutter within my mind?

So to whoever, out there in Cyberspace, that originally pinned this mantra AND to everyone that pinned it until it found its way to me, THANK YOU.   Less can be so much more!  Thank you for provoking these thoughts.  Contentedness and non-attachment are sweet partners.

Think Now

 poetry by Anca Gray, 2012

Is there anyone out there who still reads blogs?  Or is the blog dead, having been given its last rights and testament by facebook?  Just curious.  

None-the-less, it feels like the time to write is once again here, in this moment at least.  When I was a child/teenager, I was quite certain that I would make my living as a writer.  A novelist to be exact.  Everything I thought about, I turned into a story.  Life was a romantic series of events with underlying cause and effect.  When I looked about the world, it was always infused with poetry and prose, love lost and regained, tragedy turning into triumph.  I read a lot of Danielle Steele back then! :)

Sitting here today, I am 41 years old.  Sometimes it is sobering (and by sobering, I mean I pause to laugh out loud and smile that age is actually happening to me!) to realize that I am no longer a young person just starting out.  I suspect I have now lived almost half of this lifetime.  This does not depress me, not in the least.  I love this age.  I love being a woman in my 40s.  And, I am now a woman with a past and a woman with a future.  Which matters more?  Whom I have been or who I am becoming? 

I would hate to think that I ever stopped thinking about things that are dangerous and noble.  Today, this poem, by Anca Gray, brought me back.  Light, frolicsome and improbable.  Is this a mantra to be taken in by the heart?  Think Danger. Think Noble. Think Light. Think Frolic. Think Improbable. Think Beauty. Think Fearless. 

And I have my own to add.  (Remember to) Think Now.  Because whatever I have been, wherever I am going, it is only this moment that gets me there.  And worrying about whether or not the past measured up or the right course is set for the future doesn't matter either.  It is just my ego that thinks I should worry about having been or becoming anything at all.   And when I let got of this 3D reality/illusion, I remind myself that it is a game, we are players, pawns, creators, gods, beings of light and dark.

Perhaps these are the qualities that drew me into writing 20+ years ago.   It is time to re-imagine.

Wisdom in the Trees of Life

The aftermath of transition has hit me a bit harder than I expected.  Here I sit, 6 weeks after our move to this sweet natured city, only somewhat sure which end is up.  Yesterday, I stood in our bedroom, overwhelmed and full of uncertainty.  Somewhere I found the fortitude to do just one thing, throw all the dirty towels into the washer.  And then I did one more thing, unpacked a box.  Then another and another and another.  Before I knew it, the bed was made and several boxes had been reduced to curbside recycling.  I also concluded that the bedsheets covering the windows have been adding to my misery and sense of 'unsettled', so today I am on a mission to buy rods and hang proper curtains!  There are still new dressers to be assembled (thank you, Ikea) and pictures to be placed on the walls.  Soon.  

The list of my uncertainties about all of this is long, which may be to blame for my procrastination with pulling this space together and creating a proper house to live in.  It is my nature to question things and mull them over (sometimes) to my own demise.

Last week we were on vacation (we went on a crazy road trip) and spent some time in the Redwood Forests of Northern California.  The energy in that place was staggering.  I felt high yet grounded.  Of course I did yoga, I couldn't not do yoga!  Popped up into headstand with such ease, did a wheel pose on top of a mighty redwood that had fallen across the forest floor and stretched in every which direction amongst these giant wise old trees.  And in that time, my world had such clarity, revelation even.  Every fear had fallen away and every joyful potential filled the spaces around me.  I was drugged up on it!

Ever since being at the Ashram and working in the kitchen, I've had this longing to feed people.  In the shadow of the Redwoods, it all felt very tangible.  But this desire to feed does not play out here and that is where these conflicted thoughts come into play.  So for the next while, I am giving this all over to the Universe.  May it conspire to give me the true desires of my heart.  May all of our lives be filled with a satvic, peaceful energy that leads us gently along the way.